My mental breakdown occurred in Arizona, sophomore year of college, running cross country and track for Arizona State University. The reason I chose to join the team was this: they had won the Division I National Title for indoor track two years prior.
I had dreams of becoming a professional runner, regardless of the unlikelihood. Therefore, this school, at the time, seemed like the obvious choice.
Three months into the season, I took a fateful shower. I was soaking wet, as one becomes after taking a shower. My foot slipped on the floor and slammed into the wall, splitting one of the bones at the bottom. For the moment, at least, I knew I was done running.
The injury lasted a little over nine months, but as far as I was concerned I was finished. I grew extremely depressed during this time, as my whole reason for moving across the country had been shattered (just like the bone on the bottom of my foot.) It was then that I realized… I had deserted my friends and family, to pursue a dream that inevitably led nowhere. A dream that led to my downfall. Or so I thought.
Eventually, I would find a way to cope with my failed dream.
Three months later, it hit me. It hit me in a life altering moment, which spanned over a few seconds. Watching the movie Cool Runnings, I found advice that would change my life.
Irv, Derice’s coach, had cheated in the Olympics, and was subsequently stripped of his gold medals. Derice was obsessed with winning a gold medal. He felt incomplete without it. Derice asked his coach why he cheated. That’s when Irv opened my eyes.
"Derice, a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough with one.”
How could I have been so blind? What I previously couldn’t understand was now clearer than ever. Running would never bring me the happiness I was searching for.
What if I won a national title while in college? Would I have finally found happiness and contentment? Probably not. From there, I would have moved on to another goal. Could I qualify for an Olympic team? Win an Olympic medal? Gold medal? World record? What I was searching for couldn’t come from running. I’d never be satisfied. So what was I to do now?
I was constantly pondering the answer to this question for the next few months. I spent a lot of time thinking, searching, and hoping I’d find my answer. It wasn’t until I moved back home that I found a solution, and then it became so clear and simple.
Happiness, for me, would come from three things:
1. Friends
2. Family
3. Relationships
I took up running for the same reasons most people do. I wanted fame, fortune, men’s admiration, women’s ogling, and the respect of all. To think it possible for me to earn these through a sport now seems ridiculous. Pursuing my running had been for all the wrong reasons.
Real friends are those that enjoy me for my personality, values, and character. Not for my performance on the track. My family, I realized, could provide me with more love and support than any fan ever could. A girl, whoever she may be, would love me for me. Friends would bring about good times, and provide me with the lasting memories in life I so longed for. Those that I sought to impress with my running should have no effect on how I lived my life.
In Arizona, I saw my experience as a burden. Now that I’m home, I see the experience as invaluable. Arizona opened my eyes. I realized that the best things in life are already there for me. Never again would I forget this.
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